We invest so much time in the relentless quest of personal growth, we aim high, overthink and get it right. Goals and grit are important but self-compassion is often unreported. Not weak or decadent, self-compassion is a transforming practice that bolsters resilience, elevates mood and opens the door to genuine change.
Understanding Self-Compassion
Self-compassion, as the psychologist Dr Kristin Neff describes it, means treating yourself with the same kindness, care and concern as a friend. It has three key components:
- Common humanity: Recognizing that we are all human and share a common fault and struggle.
- Awareness: Keeping your emotions at a healthy level of awareness, but not getting bogged down and caught up in them.
- Self-empathy: Replacing harsh criticism of yourself with kindness.
It is a form of self-care that is not blaming or deflecting blame, but creating an inner environment that is conducive to learning and growth.
The Power of Self-Compassion to Improve Success?
1. Fostering Resilience
Life is all about trying, failure and losing. If we don’t show compassion, these things can degenerate into shame and self-hatred. Self-compassion allows us to view failure as a lesson rather than a test of merit. To not resent a setback is to simply embrace it.
Research supports this. Studies have shown that self-compassion prevents anxiety and depression. They are also more resistant to stress, which is vital during the ups and downs of life.
2. Encouraging Motivation
Self-compassion does not promote complacency, but encourages passion. If we criticise ourselves, we might become paralysed by the dread of failure. But self-compassion allows us to pull back and admit that we’re going to fall short.
When, for instance, athletes practice being kind to themselves, they are likely to keep training when they don’t succeed. They consider failure as a short-term setback rather than an immutable obstacle and it enhances performance and long term growth.
3. Promoting Healthy Relationships
It is not about yourself and your successes that are advancing; it is people. It is self-compassion that underlies compassion for others. If we take care of ourselves, we can show our love to each other in better, more meaningful ways.
And self-compassion lets us define boundaries and prioritise ourselves. When we look out for ourselves, we stop getting burned out and maintain relationships based on respect and openness.
Overcoming Barriers to Self-Compassion
But for all its merits, it’s difficult to find compassion for yourself, especially if you are accustomed to telling yourself what to say. Common barriers include:
- Fear of being lazy: People tend to think that loving yourself will cause you to be lazy but research is showing the opposite.
- Social practices: Cultures that promote perfectionism and toughness can see self-compassion as a form of weakness.
- Misperception: People can confuse self-compassion with self-pity or selfishness, and that keeps them from doing it.
How to Cultivate Self-Compassion
Self-compassion takes work. A few suggestions to get you started:
- Work for self-compassion: Replace the negative self-talk with positive affirmations or reassurances that we’re all human.
- Write to yourself in an encouraging way: Reflect on a time you’ve experienced a challenging moment and write it out to yourself in a loving manner.
- Pay attention: Allow yourself to feel what you’re experiencing without reacting. You can be taught to do this through, for example, meditation.
- Connect: Join communities or friends that teach self-compassion. The company of good people only perpetuates good behaviour.
The Ripple Effect of Self-Compassion
Self-compassionateness affects others beyond our immediate family and friends. It shapes how we work, how we have children, and how we experience the world. Leaders who are self-compassionate create environments where the focus is not on perfection but rather on improvement. Good parents demonstrate both courage and kindness in the face of child abuse.
Self-compassion also fosters creativity. When we aren’t stuck in the dark cloud of failure, we take risks and we create new ones. It allows us to live our lives as open-ended beings, confident that we will, if we fail, be strong enough to try again.
The Path to Real Development
Self-compassion is not a choice, it’s the only path to real growth. If we are patient with ourselves, and sympathetic to our fellow beings, and alert to our own emotions, we lay the groundwork for genuine transformation. When the world insists on being great, self-compassion informs us that being good doesn’t require development but resilience, motivation and connection.
So the next time you feel challenged or let down, ask yourself: What would I do with a friend like this? Treat yourself the same way. It is only in these states of self-compassion that we have the strength to change – not because we are bad, but because we are.
