Sibling rivalry goes back as far as the dinosaurs, Cain and Abel, anyone?
Because, as parents, we know the fights every day, the rehash “That’s not fair!” screams and the contest of who gets the last cookie can push the most indolent of us to the point of despair.
Now, before you think of plastering the walls or renting out a Zen monastery, hear me. Not only is rivalry between siblings unavoidable, but it’s enviable.
What’s more, it can even bond your children together (yes, really! ).
If you’re nodding your head and wondering if you have any chance of securing some peace in your home, then you’re in the right place. These eight hacks aren’t just pin-worthy suggestions.
They’re tried-and-true solutions from parents who’ve fought and survived.
Let’s get started because trust me, you’re going to have a new lease on life and maybe even convert those rivalries into friendships.
1. Create a Team Mentality
When it comes to brother/sister conflict, it is often “me versus them.” Change the script by building a collaborative mindset. A parent once told me that they began calling their kids “Team [Last Name]” and it worked. From art projects shared by the pair to doing chores in common, the emphasis on collaboration can create a way for brothers and sisters to treat one another as friends rather than foes.
Tips: Think of the language in terms of teamwork (“How can we resolve this together?”) They learn how to solve problems together and remind you that they are not alone.
2. Celebrate Their Differences
Did you ever notice how children tend to compete fiercely when they are compared to each other? If one kid is an artist and the other a genius at math, embrace those strengths. Be proud of individuality instead of competition.
I used to say, “oh, your brother had a neat room, but now I’m like, “oh, I love the way you arranged your toys so beautifully,” and it’s a game-changer.
3. Let Them Solve Their Own Battles
It’s easy to take over and act like a referee when the chips are down, I know. Yet your presence sometimes aggravates rather than calms them down. Instead, just pull back and let them fuck it out.
Here’s a magic phrase: “I trust you two to figure this out.”
It empowers children to solve problems and educates them on how to handle conflicts. And sure, you’ll still have to step in if things get violent, but for verbal disputes, they’ll probably come out with rather mature consequences.
4. Set Clear Rules and Stick to Them
The golden rule when it comes to sibling rivalry is consistency. For arguments, kids must be taught the house rules. For example: no slurs, no beatings and no “tattling” unless someone has been harmed.
One dad presides over a “family code of conduct” on the fridge. ‘It’s like a contract,’ he said. ‘The children helped design it, so they’re responsible.’ Not only does this prevent fights, but it teaches you respect and self-discipline.
5. Teach Them the Art of Apologizing
To “sorry” is not a matter of grunting something in order to get Mom off your back. Learn from your children how to apologize and right the wrongs. Say, for instance, “I’m sorry I called you names. I’ll be polite next time.”
Play apology scenes when you are calm, to learn how to apologize and mend fences. This grows on you over time, and yes, it works a treat if you drop your guard too.
6. Carve Out One-on-One Time
Sibling rivalry typically originates from a fundamental appetite for attention. Kids want to be taken seriously, and honestly, it’s not so easy when they are always lumped together.
Try to spend time with each child one on one. You don’t need to go out on it. A 15-minute walk, reading a book together or even a quick drive to get ice cream can replenish their emotional well. Children are less likely to fight over your love if they feel safe in your presence.
7. Use Positive Reinforcement
When kids get along, acknowledge it! Too often, we focus on breaking up fights but forget to praise the moments when they play harmoniously.
Try saying, “I noticed how you shared your toys today, that was so kind.” Positive reinforcement makes kids want to repeat those behaviors, and over time, it can shift the dynamic from rivalry to cooperation.
One mom shared her hack: “We have a ‘kindness jar.’ Every time the kids do something thoughtful for each other, we add a marble. When it’s full, we have a family movie night. They love it!”
8. Model the Behavior You Want to See
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: Our kids mirror us. If they see us arguing with our partner or snapping under pressure, they’ll follow suit. But when they witness us handling conflict calmly, apologizing sincerely, and treating others with respect, they learn to do the same.
One parent admitted, “When I started narrating my feelings, ‘I’m frustrated, but I’ll take a deep breath’, I noticed my kids started doing it, too. It’s like they’re little sponges.”
Why These Hacks Work
So, why do these hacks resonate with parents around the globe? Because they address the underlying issues behind sibling rivalry, whether it’s a need for attention, feelings of competition, or simply a lack of conflict-resolution skills. And let’s be honest, they also work because they’re practical. Parenting is hard enough without adding complicated strategies to your plate!
What If It Still Feels Impossible?
You’re not alone, and neither are your children. No matter how hard you try, there will be days when rivalry between siblings is so much that you want to give up. On those days, tell yourself: Sibling conflict is normal. It’s how they learn to have relationships, establish boundaries and connect with others.
And don’t worry, you’re not alone. Rely on your village, friends, family or even online parenting communities. If you’re one of those parents, simply hearing someone else say “Yep, my kids do that too,” can help take some of the pressure off.
A Final Thought
Parenting is not about nirvana, but a never-give-up attitude. These eight hacks will not stop sibling rivalry overnight, but they will create the space for a home where love, respect, and empathy can thrive. And one day, when your kids are grown up and look back at their childhoods, they’ll share laughs, memories, and yes, fights, but it’ll be with their best friends.
Now, go ahead, try these hacks, and watch your family dynamic shift.
