Think about this: you enter a room full of new faces. Right off the bat, you find yourself gravitating towards certain people. Some people, who are making you laugh or nodding their heads in agreement to some inexplicable feeling of familiarity. What guides these connections and can these forces be made visible?
And why is it that some relationships feel like intersections of long lost families, while some fizzle and die despite having the same background or hobbies? Psychologists have a theory called ‘friendship filter’ which can solve this very question. This filter is an invisible force that helps us choose people who possess the strongest values, beliefs, and worldviews that are similar to ours.
There are layers of questions this phenomenon raises regarding the very nature of humanity: If we had the power to choose how social opportunities presented themselves: are we truly flexible, or are we programmed to seek a version of ourselves? Why are some values unspoken and how do they transform the blueprints of our lives? And when these filters form echo chambers of society, what are the repercussions that it brings to society?
The Psychology of Similarity: Why Birds of a Feather Flock Together
The age-old adage “opposites attract” crumbles under scientific scrutiny. Research The saying ‘opposites attract’ simply does not hold up when put under the microscope. There is irrefutable evidence that suggests Like-mindedness is the foundation of strong friendships. A stark 313 study analysis revealed that individuals were more inclined to befriend those with similar attitudes and interests as them. The ‘similarity-attraction effect’ transforms cultures, genders and ages, making it more powerful than them.
But why is it so? Similarity serves a function psychologists refer to as social validation. It validates the person by making them feel that they are correct and accepted. As stated in a study conducted in 2020, participants who were presented with opposing opinions from strangers tended to favor the likable opinion, even when it came to inconsequential matters, like coffee vs tea.
This isn’t a random conclusion; This bias isn’t arbitrary. Evolutionary theorists posit that belonging to the same category as others has previously increased chances of survival. Early humans relied on tight-knit groups for protection and resource-sharing; Homogeneity enhanced cooperation while reducing conflict. Nowadays, it is slightly more discreet as we unconsciously attempt to make friends with people who understand us and create a tribe out of shared beliefs.
Values vs. Surface Traits: The Hidden Hierarchy of Friendship
Not all similarities hold the same significance. While fervent interests like shared hobbies and demographics (age, ethnicity, etc) can serve as a springboard, it is values that serve as the adhesive. What matters in life, such as honesty, ambition, or compassion – all work as a subconscious litmus test and are classified as values.
In the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, there was a landmark study in 2015 which traced college students for four years. Students with aligned values reported amicable, long-lasting friendships. Thus, surface-level commonalities do not guarantee deep relationships. Values predicted satisfaction, and one’s interest did not have to overlap. For instance, a hunter and vegan who both love hiking can bond well. However, if one prioritizes the environment whereas the other sees nature as a resource, tension is bound to arise.
Some friendships do not stand the test of time, and this hierarchy helps explain that. Psychologist Dr. Emily Balcetis says, “We might outgrow friends not because we change hobbies, but because our core values shift, say, from prioritizing career success to seeking work life balance.”
The Neuroscience of Connection: How the Brain Rewards Shared Values
There is evidence from fMRI studies which show that an individual’s reward system, specifically the ventral striatum and prefrontal cortex, activates and dopamine is released upon encountering a person with a shared value system. It is these mechanisms that exemplify how our brains are programmed to search for aligned values and at a more personal level how the feeling of falling in love strengthens those bonds. Essentially, the rush one experiences when falling in love is enhanced with positive relationships.
These bonds are even further solidified through the very recently discovered mirror neurons. These neurons are invaluable in practicing empathy since they fire off while watching someone perform an action in addition to performing it themselves. Remembering those who share our values triggers them and leads to a strengthening of trust through neural synchrony.
A 2018 study conducted in Nature Communications stated that the brainwaves of one’s friends resonate with each other while talking about meaningful subjects, confirming that shared values transcend into literal harmony of the mind.
Evolutionary Roots: Survival of the Most Cooperative
From an evolutionary perspective, value-centered friendships had an advantage. Primitive humans existed in little self-sufficient groups where their existence depended on cooperation. Finding people with shared norms such as fairness or loyalty reduced betrayal risks. According to anthropologist Robin Dunbar, human tribes in the past averaged 150 members, which was a number that enabled common values to be enforced in the community.
This legacy still lingers in contemporary society. We instinctively dissociate with people whose values differ with ours and vice versa because the other person is viewed as a threat to the particular tribe. In a 2019 study reported in Evolution and Human Behavior, participants in the study rated strangers with different political backgrounds as less attractive which exemplifies how these people tied values with their primal judgment.
Social Identity and the Need to Belong
Social identity encompasses more than an individual’s self view: it also comprises how one’s friends do. Social identity theory says that we use the sense of self in a group’s membership to boost our self esteem. When friends have the same beliefs and values, they conveniently choose each other.
A good example would beed supper environmentalists; these people will certainly have friends whose values are mainly centered on environmental sustainability.
Same difference or outgroup discrimination can produce negative outcomes. There is a clear instance known as the ‘political sorting’ scenario: Americans pick friends on the basis of party affiliation. The figures that are 55% from Republicans and 64% of Democrats will not want their child to marry from the other side (Pew Research Center, 2022).
The Echo Chamber Dilemma: When Homogeneity Breeds Division
Value-oriented relationships can be comforting, but also dangerous because they may isolate us in echo chambers. This is made worse by social media’s algorithms, which tailor everything including users to maximize the engagement of echo chambers. The results are concerning – increased polarization, lowered empathy, and a false reality.
Jonathan Haidt warns that networks dominated by similar-minded people inhibit thinking. As he puts it, “We become moral zombies” – thinking only in self-contained ways, unable to understand what exists outside our bubble.
A Stanford study conducted in 2021 demonstrated that members of ideologically mixed groups solved more complex problems 30% faster than members of staunchly homogeneous groups which speaks to the price of over-filtering.
Rewiring the Friendship Filter: Strategies for Balanced Connections
Changing deep seated subconscious filters needs effort. Approach friendships with a distinctive strategy.
- Seek “Value Stretchers”: Make friends with those whose values are similar yet different (for example a Feminist and a Gender Equality supporter from different cultures).
- Practice Curiosity: ask questions such as ‘What made you arrive to these beliefs?’ so that you can discover common goals.
- Embrace Discomfort: EStep outside of your set social circles and participate in new activities such as volunteering and interdisciplinary workshops.
In the words of novelist Haruki Murakami, ‘Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.’ Diverse friendships, just like memories, do add value to our lives but they surely challenge us and make us question ourselves.
The Dance of Self and Other
On the one hand, the relationship filter can be perceived in a positive or negative way, it is simply human. It is the cornerstone of identity affirmation and active participation in community development. Yet in a world which is becoming more and more fragmentary in both structures and values, this is an issue that needs more attention. Recognizing these patterns of our selective bias makes it possible to have friendships that, while at the same time being true to our principles, embrace more pluralism.
Almost to the extreme of concern, this is the greatest contradiction: One must often examine the depths of one’s being through the gaze of people who do not correspond to one’s values.
