Arguably, the most significant relationship we will ever have is that of friendship. The reality is, however, that no friendship is impervious to its adversaries. Whether it is due to distance, time or circumstance, the real hallmark of friendship is often forged when things aren’t quite going to plan. How do you know whether a friendship is strong enough to withstand the test of time?
Picture trying to ‘test’ a friendship. That’s not the same thing as sucking all the pleasure out of it by creating fake conflicts just so that it’s turbulent because it’s ‘healthy’, or some such nonsense. This is not ‘friendship boot camp’. I’m just talking about those small but inevitable moments in the flow of a relationship that can serve to test to your friendship bonds.
1. Handling Conflict – The Disagreement Test
People can’t agree on everything. That’s okay. But how the disagreement is handled can be a huge marker for friendship strength. Disagreement is going to happen, and that’s not always bad. In fact, it might indicate that both people care enough to be candid with each other. The real question is how the issue is handled.
What to Look For?
- Open communication: When you’re good friends, both people are happy to share ideas and feelings, even if they’re not always the same. You don’t worry about being judged or dismissed.
- Settling the Score: How do you navigate this one? Can two of you arrive at a mutually beneficial solution, or is it one person or the other who always backs down? (Compromise is important, but it isn’t always you.)
When the conflict is finally over, can you then also both move on? Unresolved issues often leave room for resentment or grudges. Hence, it would be a good indicator if you both are ready to leave it behind.
Arguments don’t have to be the end of a friendship, and not necessarily friends with benefits. If both parties listen to each other’s reasoning and are willing to make repairs when needed, they can end up closer than before.
2. The Time Apart Test – Distance and Separation
Life intervenes, and sometimes people move, think: cities, jobs, building a family, priorities, living. It’s even possible that the circle of your own world gets tighter as you age. But do distance or time apart degrade the fibers of a shared understanding? Or, more to the point, can they ever do so? This is where the honesty of friendship measures itself.
What to Look For?
Effort to Stay Connected: Do the two of you make an effort to stay in contact (text, phone call, etc)? A good friendship doesn’t require constant attention, but it does require that both of you are living proof that you care. True friends know that sometimes life can be overwhelming with work or family obligations. They won’t hold it against you if you are really busy.
Picking Up Where You Left Off: When you do see each other again, does it feel natural? If it matters to you, it shouldn’t be awkward, as if you’re having to pick up where you left off, as if no time has passed. Distance tests whether the feeling of connection will stay alive in the absence of daily ritual. If the relationship is strong enough, it will.
3. The Support Test – Being There in Tough Times
Life can get in the way of friendship. If someone close to you has died, if you have been dumped by a boyfriend, or your parents have split up, or something else has gone badly down, how your friend handles the situation can be the ultimate test of the relationship. Good friends are easy to have when the going is good. But how a person deals with trouble is the ultimate test of true friendship.
What to Look For?
- Being There: Does your friend show up for you – either emotionally or physically – when you need them? If not, can you tell what is holding them back? Even if they can’t help you, their presence can make a difference.
- Consistency: Do you feel like you can always count on her or does she disappear when things get tough? You can’t count on someone who’s going to show up when it suits them.
- Empathy and Understanding: Are they sympathetic to what you’re trying to say, or at least willing to try and understand? They don’t have to have the answers but will listen and see ways to help.
Mutual trust is then rewarded when friendships that survive difficult times may, if anything, be closer thereafter, since both people have demonstrated that they can support the other when the going gets tough.
4. The Success Test – Celebrating the Highs
It’s not just the bad times that define your friendship either – success and happiness can be equally revealing. Your friend’s reaction to your success will speak volumes as to whether you’re truly good friends or not.
Were you high-fiving each other joyously when you got your new job? Or did he develop a really annoying habit the moment you started dating him? Did your friend revel in your success? Did he express happiness for you? Or did he scowl with a knowing look and say: ‘There goes your last hope of repaying me. Yeah buddy, you’re totally screwed now.’ If so, you’re going to want to evaluate how good a friend he really is.
What to Look For?
- Real Euphoria: Does he or she cheer for you, or does he seem a little jealous? A real friend tells you that your good news is their good news, too.
- A Real Friend is Non-Gravity-Pulling: As hurt as you were, you still went out and partied with your friends after your break-up, and he or she was your ride or die throughout. A real friend is not one who makes you feel bad about yourself, but rather who makes you feel lighter and better about life.
- A Real Friend is Ms or Mr Clarity: You feel secure enough around them to ask for their feedback on your clothing, your hairstyle, or even on whether you should dump your boyfriend. A real friend is someone who will tell you, ‘You look great, girl,’ or ‘Hey, he’s not very nice, maybe you should think about this.
- Competitive Comparison: Does she compare your success to her own, or does she support you without making it a competition? A friendship is not a race, and a healthy bond means being delighted by the other’s success without needing to hold the spotlight.
- Involvement: How involved are they in your successes? This goes beyond simply showing up for something you’re doing, although that’s a good sign. But if you’ve accomplished something, do they congratulate you? Praise is a pretty good indicator that someone cares about your happiness.
Sharing in the good times with someone is as important as helping them through the bad. A friend who celebrates your wins is a friend who genuinely wants you to be happy.
5. The Change Test – Adapting to Life’s Transitions
Life can throw us all sorts of curveballs: moving to a new city, or getting a new job, or entering into a relationship, or simply changing as a person. Watching how a friendship adapts can be a true test of friendship’s strength. People grow and change throughout life, and long-lasting friendships grow with their friends.
What to Look For?
- Mutability: Are you always over-giving to this friendship, but feeling that your mate gives you little in return?Adaptability: Can your friendship roll with the changes? A move, a having of babies, a taking up of new interests – a healthy friendship can roll with the punches, instead of imploding.
- Mutual Respect: Do both friends support the other’s growth and evolution, or is there resistance? Friendships can be derailed if one person’s life shifts leave the other feeling left behind, but mutual respect keeps it together.
- Staying Interested: Although life has moved on, do you both make an effort to stay in touch? Enduring friendships are those that survive the inevitable upheavals of life while retaining a core connection.
- Friendships don’t remain unchanged: They must have room to move, and space to grow with the people inside them. The ones that shape themselves to fit around life’s changes are often the ones we keep for longest.
Friendship Bonds Are Meant to Be Tested!
Like any synergistic relationship, the friction – the rub – is a part of friendship too. Disagreements will arise, both parties might move away and take up residence in different locales, or one might go through a life-altering event that makes simply being friends more complicated. And while these tests are not the easiest things to experience, they are never something to be feared in the same way that a waiting diagnosis or a sudden, ill-timed death is to be feared.
Instead, it’s a true testament to the friendship, to the depth and lift of the relationship to figure out how to get through them together. Tested friendships might include resolving and working through conflicts, surviving distance, supporting each other through painful events, celebrating high points, and journeying through change.
Those friendships prove to be the most reliable when they pass these challenges, and emerge on the other side fully intact. When trouble strikes, don’t run from it. Use it as an opportunity to demonstrate just how strong your bond is.
