As human beings, we all go through life transitions. These include, for instance, becoming a parent, retiring from work, and other significant phases of life. These events, regardless of whether we have to face them or we are experiencing them, can often be challenging and daunting – making us question our self-identity and purpose in life. What needs to be done, ‘who am I?
Where is my place in this world?’ These are a few of the most common issues people face when they go through significant changes in their life. Losing and gaining a self-identity is a significant life struggle people need to deal with.
In this article, we shall analyze the connection between social bonds and certain life phases. More specifically, we will focus on the role of friendships in helping cope with the identity challenges linked to parenting and retirement. It is a widely accepted phenomenon that friendships redefine our sense of joy and bring new and positive energy allowing us to navigate through uncertainties and challenges in life.
The Psychology of Life Transitions: Understanding the Role of Friendship
In trying to see how friendship aids during these transitions, we first have to ascertain what makes these periods so threatening. Psychologist Nancy Schlossberg identified four types of transitions: anticipated (e.g., retirement), unanticipated (e.g., sudden job loss), nonevents (e.g., not having a child), and sleeper transitions (slow-burn changes, like evolving friendships). Each type has its own fundamentals that strain our presupposed world, which is essentially a world view framework that helps process one’s life experiences and situations.
During these shifts, the individual faces three core challenges, including:
- Identity Shifts: Am I relevant? (In case they are about to retire) or “Am I more than a parent?” (While becoming a parent).
- Social Isolation: Friends have a different life than me thus I have no one to relate to.
- Social Connections: Relationships changes add strain to the existing ones and create new ones.
Friendship serves to reduce these challenges using the following methods:
- Mirroring: Reflection of one’s friends serve as important means for an individual to adjust to the changes and evolution of that person’s identity.
- Emotional Scaffolding: A form of support which serves non-judgmental space during the process of grief.
- Practical Wisdom: Friends provide ‘practical’ help such as diaper hacks, retirement how to’s, or actionable advice.
Still, not all friendships are strong enough to take on such conflicts. The ones that last have a common denominator, which is flexibility.
Parenthood: How friends change
Being a parent is actually a well-documented life change, but we still don’t take the emotional burden into account. Parents are sleep deprived, broke, and trying to fit in socially; all while having to enjoy every second of parenting. A paper published in the Journal of Marriage and Family in 2023 has shown that 68% of parents said that they feel lonelier after the birth of a child, with most parents grieving the loss of friendships the most.
The Disintegration of Friendships Before Having Kids
The kind of friends who haven’t yet had children find it really difficult to understand how all-consuming parenting can be. A mother of twins named Anna states, “I felt guilty complaining to my single friends about how hard it was. Their lives were about travel and promotions; mine was about breastfeeding and laundry.” This problem is made worse by the fact that everyone’s schedules are so busy now–spontaneous outings have been replaced by military style planning.
In contrast, friendships can be preserved. The journal Research in Personal Relationships reveals that active curiosity, such as asking questions and showing appreciation without passing any judgment, is one way friends can preserve their bonds. David, a stay-at-home parent, adds, “At least my best friend sends voice notes on her way to work. She just tells me, I don’t understand it but I am in. That is what truly matters.”
As soon as the Parental Alliances Start Forming
There are numerous parents who take comfort in the new friendships they are able to form at playgrounds or during prenatal classes. They are able to build these bonds through sleeping training tips and sharing stories about first tantrums and steps. A parent-focused friend group helped mothers suffering from postpartum depression and the 2021 Social Science & Medicine showed that these friendships reduced the chances of being depressed by 30%.
These friendships can also have potential risks. Friends based solely on children may overlook other elements of their lives. “I discovered that I was now ‘Luca’s mother’ to almost everyone, and even to myself”, says Priya, a graphic designer. This is why it is important to reconnect with friends or hobbies from before having children.
The Importance of Lifelong Friendships
Long-time companions act as living records of one’s self before becoming a parent. They share stories like the college road trips or the sets of goals they themselves wanted to achieve, which serve as a refreshment from the responsibilities of being a parent. For LGBTQ+ or other non traditional families, those relationships can fill the void. ‘After my parents denied my request, my chosen family organized a baby shower for me,’ claims Marcus, a gay father.
Retirement: Redefining One’s Social Self Outside The Office
Parenthood is taking a dive into the ocean of disorder whereas retirement is usually a smooth sail. Losing one’s identity as an employee can lead to an existential crisis. A 2022 survey by AARP showed that 37% of those retired suffer from loneliness. Men are more vulnerable to this due to having fewer social relationships outside of work.
The Vanishing Starting of Workplace Friends
Relationships with coworkers that were once fostered at coffee breaks and projects disappear soon after retirement. Workplace friendships are context-based and are formed based on closeness, not actual compatibility. “After my retirement party I kept in contact with only two people,” remembers Harold, 68, a former engineer. “I think it is because I just ceased to exist.”
Still, some retirees do manage to revive their friendships. A study by Stanford revealed that retirees who focused on reconnecting with friends reported more fulfillment because those ties helped merge who they were with who they are.
Fostering New Tribes – Vulnerability, Hobbies, and Volunteering
While retirement communities and clubs provide easily accessible ways to form connections, genuine friendships can be formed through coherent vulnerability. “Whic was a when readesk my old job I joined a book club which felt boring. But it made me voice sentiments I regret and let me discuss novels,” expresses Linda,70.
Men tend to be raised in a way that does not promote emotional closeness so they have different challenges. Programs like Men’s Sheds – workshop spaces where retirees create projects – allow men to form connections through shoulder to shoulder contact without the use of conventional talking therapy.
Intergenerational Friendships: A Surprising Wellspring of Growth
Making friends with younger people debunks the outdated notions of old people being useless. Instilling a historical framework alongside offering career counsel would make retirees the perfect fit to tutor younger generations. Reth, being 72 years of age, humorously states that “It’s pretty great to be needed” when talking about how his 30 year old neighbor constantly sought parenting advice from him.
The Unique Power of Friendship – Why Family Isn’t Enough?
From the perspective of Ruth, friendships can cover for what family relationships fail to deliver. People have the freedom to choose friends whom they can trust with their deepest insecurities unlike relationships that have an obligation component to them. “I regret retiring early, but I can’t tell my sister that,” 63 years Carlos expresses the trepidations he holds around his family. “At least my golf buddy understands that it’s better for him not to judge me.”
Friendships are a form of “horizontal support,” as told by psychologist Dr. Miriam Kirmayer, as opposed to the vertical support offered by families’ e.g. peer to peer instead of parent to child. It’s much easier to be open and honest with equals because there are fewer power dynamics in play.
In these contexts, there is a change because of globalization. Cultures, such as the Japanese, that put family loyalty above everything are now starting to value friendship. A retiree’s life can greatly improve if he openly discusses sensitive topics like marital resentment with a friend. A study conducted in 2023 shows that this transformation is taking place.
Challenges and Strategies: Setting Friendships During Adult Change
Changes put friendships through the ringer due to different priorities or emotional availability. A new mother is likely to want to cancel plans over and over, while a retiree’s newfound freedom may not fit into their still working friend’s schedule. The fundamental principle is to achieve communication without accusation. “Instead of saying ‘You never make time,’ say: ‘I miss us. How can we adapt?’” advises therapist Dr. Emily Anhalt.
Digital Kinship: The Blessing and Curse
Social media promotes relationships, but does so at the risk of placing people into categories. Scheduled video chat or leaving voice messages can add to these ties. Ellen, 67, a retiree, thanks a WhatsApp group with high school friends for “keeping me sane during the lockdowns”.
The Power to Forget
Having to move on from friendships while going through changes is normal, and not all friendships will make it through – and that is perfectly fine. As described by author Adam Smiley Poswolsky. “Some friends are seasonal.” There is no need to put unnecessary energy into a friendship that is no longer serving both parties. Instead, both sides can part ways while cherishing what the friendship once was.
Friendship is Freedom of Self-Care
Behind closed doors, putting effort into friendships rather than focusing solely on love or nuclear families is a breath of fresh air. Doing this is important because it reminds us that we are much more than just parents, employees, or retirees. The creation of these friendships means that someone will always be there to share our stories and to witness the changes we go through in life.
As you maneuver through your next transition of life, check in with yourself:
- Who mirrors my greatest self?
- Who is honest without being critical?
- Who will join in my transformation?
It is not just about survival as you invest in friendship; it is about building a meaningful life filled with resilience and happiness. As David Whyte, poet puts it, “Friendship is the mirror to the world we want to live in”. Let’s make sure that the world has room for reinvention—together.
