For Adults A timeline of how attachment styles affect adult friendships. Doesn’t the word “friendship” resonate with you? You get to connect with someone, share your dreams and interests, and make memorable moments together.
The same feeling applies for kids. Humans are addicted to connection. We are dependent on our caregivers from birth and often form bonds important for survival. These initial relationships act as a blueprint and outline how one will later engage with people in their adulthood.
For adults, those friendships serve as the foundational pillars for emotional wellbeing alongside offering companionship and nurturing a sense of belonging. A question arises, why do some people navigate friendships with intimacy issues and fear of trust and rejection easily, while others have to struggle constantly?
Developmental psychology based on attachment theory might be the answer, as it explains how relational patterns are traced back to infancy.
The article offers an insight into self-destructive patterns like difficulty in trusting friends, and therefore offers a variety of ‘invisible forces’ that range from self-defense mechanisms and paranoid schemas. These diminish the chances of forming healthier connections.
Everything You Need to Know About Attachment Theory – Relational Patterns Explained
John Bowlby developed the concept of attachment theory in combination with Mary Ainsworth. It states that the care we receive as infants molds the internal working model which is how we perceive relationships and how they function.
Ainsworth through her experiment, the ”strange situation,” identified three main prevalent attachment styles – Secure, Anxious-ambivalent, and Avoidant.
- Secure: Caregiving babies learn that their needs will be met by responsive caregivers. They gain confidence in others and seek comfort with intimacy.
- Anxious-Ambivalent: Uncertain caregiving results in uncertainty. Children become hyper vigilant, and terrified of abandonment.
- Avoidant: Emotionally distant caregivers condition children to equate “vulnerability” with “rejection” and teach them to suppress their needs instead.
- Disorganized: Rooted in trauma/neglect, these styles blend anxiety and avoidance resulting in erratic behavior in relationships.
These styles are more than just artifacts of childhood. Hazan and Shaver (1987) uncovered that the romantic relationships adults pursue are analogous to infant-caregiver attachments.
Secure Attachment – The Best Kind of Friendship There Is
People with secure attachment styles have been shown to act as the “glue” that holds social circles together. They are trusting, easy to talk to, and handle conflict in a constructive manner. Consequently, they do not resort to catastrophizing. A research found that securely attached people are more satisfied with their friendships and are more willing to ask for help during times of emergency.
Example, 32-year-old teacher Emma describes her friends as “low drama but deep.” When a friend of hers cancels plans, she thinks they are busy and not uninterested. In fact, this cognitive flexibility stems from her childhood, where her emotionally validating parents taught her to respond to situations more positively.
Why Does It Works?
Since securely attached adults understand the importance of feelings, they are far more empathetic than those without secure attachments. A securely attached adult will always consider friendship a safe space to invest without fear of betrayal. A longitudinal study conducted in 2019 proved children referred to as ‘secure’ when they are one-year-old, manage stable friendships after growing up, highlighting the fact that this friendship blueprint is truly durable.
Anxious Attachment: Yearning for Validation or Assurance
Friendships for individuals with anxious attachment are filled with uncertainty and are socially ambiguous. They show a deep desire for emotional intimacy but simultaneously deal with the anxiety of abandonment, thus engaging in behaviors like reading strategies, as well as pleasing people.
- The Science: Neuroimaging studies indicate that individuals anxiously attached show increased activity in the brain’s amygdala when relating to social rejection. This creates an inability for the person to ease out from believing that any validation received is true, as they constantly do not feel validated.
- Real Life Impact: “If she posts and doesn’t reply to my text, I just spiral,” says Jake, 28. Jake admits that he has a bad habit of stalking his best friend’s Instagram to an obsessive level. He was raised by a mother who believed affection should be only given when certain standards are met, thus deprived of his self-identity.
- Paradox Alert: By seeking validation, anxious attachers tend to push their friends away, thus fulfilling their fear. But, once the fears are tamed, they can be loyal companions.
Avoidant Attachments- The Mask of Independence or Self-Sufficiency
Those who are avoidant tend to pride themselves on their self dependence. It can be potentially difficult for individuals like this to seek help as it is associated with weakness. Thus, sometimes, they may withdraw when friendships become deeper. While they may have a variety of friends, they are not available for close relationships.
Cultural Attitudes
In democratic cultures, people who possess self-reliant traits are often celebrated. This, however, has a dire consequence – society becomes lonelier. A 2021 report suggests that adults with an Aviodant attachment style don’t have an inclination to “desire” friendships but are nonetheless least satisfied with friendships.
Paradox
Avoidant individuals have a longing to bond with others, but some do not possess the right mechanisms to maintain such relationships. Their friendships tend to exist within low risk situations, but when tension surfaces, the friendships fall apart, as the parties involved fail to provide or receive support.
The Bravery To Disconnect
How we attach has no bearing on how our lives will go. Those who love us have broken sentences and those that fear and avoid us have them as incomplete. These are all hints that guide us. We can gain the power to reconfigure them by looking at these blueprints of why we are the way that we are. In doing so, we can have friends that are not a reminder of a troubling past, but are a source of aid for a future that is more secure.
The most important revelation of all is that the act of trying to maintain a secure enough friendship will change us completely. We don’t simply alter relationships; as we master the art of trusting, staying in the moment, and learning to rely on others, we transform ourselves.
Last Considerable Thought: If you were once a child that sparked the friendship blueprint, what do you hope to create with that blueprint?
