Friendship is said to be one of the important social relationships of humanity and indeed, its essence changes dramatically through the different phases of life.
In childhood, friendships subserve biological, psychological, and social features in the playground, while in old age, the friendships are characterized by quiet companionship.
This article investigates how different stages of life including middle age, young adulthood, adolescence, and old age, all have different approaches to friendship structures and how friendships should indeed be fostered in an ever fragmented world.
Childhood, the Early Days of Social Relationships
Friendships in childhood can be described as the purest form of human connection and its bonding. Children of preschool age tend to form bonds around shared activities and joy. They are not loathe to enjoy the simple pleasures of life such as love, laughter, friendship, and joy.
Developmental psychologists assert that children as young as three begin to understand friendship as a relationship that is founded on give and take, however these bonds are not rigid – rather quite the opposite. Children do shift their friendships easily because unlike adults, they do not enjoy complexities, so a disagreement regarding a favorite toy or a change of seating in the classroom can make someone dissolve friendships on the very next day.
These early relationships are important in training and nurturing empathy, emotional regulation, and conflict resolution. However, these friendships are also quite of fragile nature. A longitudinal study by the Developmental Psychology states that out of all the friendships made starting from kindergarten, only 20% are maintained until the person is in sixth grade. These bonds are often disrupted because of mobility, such as changing schools, or evolving interests, such as switching from Legos to sports.
These childhood friendships do create a mark. From anyone of older age who still has any friends from his or her childhood, you will hear that their life satisfaction is much higher. These early bonds are said to nurture an individual’s social identity. The real challenge lies to leave these friendships while transitioning into adolescent stage.
Adolescence: The Identity’s Catalyst
If the adolescent friendships are about self-discovery, peer friendships on the other hand, are all about the definition of the self. Peers become critical factors while building the identity from puberty onwards. Teens aim to be cleaved from the expectations of family, thus, they search for friends who share the same values, tastes, and aspirations. This is described as “identity vs. role confusion” by renowned psychologist Erik Erikson. While trying to uncover oneself, friendships transform into deeper bound friendships, where they become together into the ideal support for the teen.
The current stage is full of nuance and volatility. A journal published by Sage found that teenagers spend 30% of their active hours together with friends, and so their social connections are always in according to effects of social media. Such platforms, including Instagram and Snapchat, aid in the rapid change of friendships by enabling swift changes in relationships.
Aside from these changes, many toxic relationships develop as a push to fit in is present. Recently, there has been an increase in the number of “frenemies”, individuals who are both friendly and competitive, thus showcasing the toxic side of friendship.
The science behind this involves Neurobiology. Social acceptance at a young age plays a significant role in almost all aspects of life. Peer approval becomes extremely important as it is appreciated. As a result, adolescents develop a reward system which leads to betrayal at some point in the future.
The reason as to why friendship breakups are equal to relationship breakups is the hypersensitive reward system. At the same time, effective friendships during adolescence have shown to allow ease in tough situations. A study done in the year 2020 discovered that adolescents who are surrounded by caring and protective friends are less anxious and depressed.
But adolescence comes with its fair share of cons. At the same time, this period opens doors to loneliness in the future. It is during the teenage phase that the neglect of childhood friends and family takes place. During this phase, the set goals become the only focus area of life, thus creating a void that will only be highlighted during adulthood.
Young Adult Stage: Networks Made and Swayed
Individuals aged 18-35 are considered to be in their youth, and this period, marked by marrying, getting a job, having children, and going to college, is a time when friendships are put to the test. The number of social opportunities such as rooming with someone or dating is high, but the time available to invest into these opportunities is less.
In casual friendship scenarios, an individual needs to invest over 50 hours, and over 200 hours for close friendships. In our fast paced modern world, this concept is difficult for young adults to assimilate. As a result, forming and maintaining friendships becomes a burden for them.
In graduate schools, Adams describes three essential conditions: gaps, a setting that promotes interaction in opening situations, and the ability to interact more than once. The majority of friendships are made in this phase of life, and it is clear why college campuses with dorms and clubs are so successful. After graduation, however, this type of friendliness disappears.
New cities need to be relocated for jobs, new romantic relationships require attention, and parenthood takes up time. A survey in 2018 taken by the Survey Center on American Life stated that 27% of adults younger than 30 have no friends compared to 16% in 1990.
The mainstream media does not help this matter when it gives more relevance and praise towards romanticism or even professional accomplishments than it does the bonds of friendship. On the flip side, young adults that foster friendships do end up gaining certain privileges; indeed, a study conducted in 2023 demonstrated in PLOS ONE that having a stronger social circle in “one’s twenties” is linked to more advanced cardiovascular health and fulfillment with one’s job much later in life.
Middle Age: The Quality Over Quantity Era
Between 40 and 65 years of age, the individual has entered the realm of middle age. The so-called friendship clock in this instance begins to tick towards depth rather than breadth. Career paths as well as family obligations are at their peak, thus considerably limiting the ability to maintain an expansive social circle. Socioemotional selectivity theory claims that people assign greater significance to emotionally rewarding relationships as casual ones become less frequent. This theory is backed by the psychologist Laura Carstensen.
Friendships during middle age typically relate to the same whatever life phase you are in, be it, being a parent, taking care of elderly parents, or working. These relationships offer practical assistance like carpooling or professional guidance, but they also offer benefit philosophically. To put it in the words of a 55 year old woman interviewed in 2021 as published in The Atlantic, “my friends are the ones who have seen me through the divorces and layoffs, we do not need to talk every week, we just know.”
However, the unique challenges that middle age brings cannot be ignored. These challenges often lead to other issues like de-prioritizing friendships due to being overworked with responsibilities which is referred to as the sandwich generation.
There are also gender gaps: women are more likely to keep friendships and actively communicate, while man engage in “shoulder-to-shoulder” friendship through sports and hobbies. A study done by the British Sociological Association revealed that 40% of middle aged men rely on their wives for emotional support, this form of dependency risks creating isolation in case the relationships end.
Contrary to popular belief, middle age can also provide an opportunity for newfound friendships. Oftentimes, empty nesters or divorcees tend to travel or take classes together and their bonds begin to strengthen. The key point is simply being intentional and scheduling friend dates just like you would with important business meetings.
Old Age: The Dusk of Friendship
In the later years of one’s life, the bonds we hold dear seem to perish in the race against time. Inevitably, with retirement, health problems, and the eventual loss of friends, the few bonds that survive grow stronger. In a study directed by Harvard over 80 years, friendships and close relationships were the strongest predictor of longevity and happiness.
Older people in general tend to cut deep relationships to focus on those with a greater emotional impact, stemming from their shared history. A 70 year old woman for instance, might hold in high regard a friend who has overlapping memories of her late spouse or shares the same first job.
In today’s world, technology surely aids in keeping apart friends connected, but nothing is as effective as in person meetings. In a 2019 study published in The Gerontologist, seniors who attended weekly social functions were shown to have slower rates of cognitive decline in comparison to other seniors.
In these advancing societies, however, this leads to an entirely new issue of loneliness. According to studies made by AARP, almost 35% of adults over 45 suffer chronic loneliness due to retirement communities and aging discrimination a common practice. The “Men’s Sheds” in the UK is an attempt to cope with this issue by creating spaces for older men to connect and foster friendship while working together.
The Digital Paradox: How Technology Reshapes Friendship Across Ages
At every age, technology has altered friendship. Social media allows native soc Med users to be on a 24/7 call but leaves depth in friendships lacking. Bumble BFF and other apps alleviate the isolation experienced by young adults after collage, while Facebook uses middle-aged adults to widen the already existing political and social divisons within society.
When it comes to older adults, technology is a double edged sword. While video calls have relived some of the loneliness, the lack of access to online resources has led to many feeling excluded. According to a Pew Research study, 25% of adults over 65 do not go online which cuts them from the outside world.
Cross Generational Friendships: Breaking The Clock
Including friendships at a younger and elder age is something termed as cross aged bonds which have their unique benefits. For example, mentorship relationships like a college student being helped by a retiree helps blend different perspectives and wisdom. Such friendships are helpful in overcoming stereotypes and enhancing empathy, however they are often frowned upon because of social norms.
Strategies for Timeless Friendships
In order to avoid time based limitations on friendships, remember to: -Make seeking friendships with people younger and older than yourself a priority. -Use apps to aid in maintaining connections, not replace them entirely. -Embrace change and understand that friendships are just as flexible. -Become technologically acquainted in a healthy manner to relieve lonliness and free yourself from isolation. -Show true vulnerability and don’t be afraid to discuss your problems. With that, remember to not only vent but share your accomplishments as well.
Recap
The Friendship Clock suggests how in a world that is ever changing, the sense of belonging is something that every single person craves, regardless of when. Additionally, in a time where 20% of adults claim they feel a sense of isolation, it is essential to intentionally reshape how we approach friendship as more of an ongoing process rather than a finished product.
From learning how to navigate through different stages of life, we are able to build relationships that last, grow, and enhance the quality of our lives throughout every stage a person encounters. Seasons change, but the one constant is that ‘The soul is friend to none but the soul it loves’, once spoken by poet William Blake. The deep friendships that matter are indeed worth searching for at every point of one’s life.
